Breaking — Bavarian Grass Works: Transfer alert! Bayern Munich signs top Bundesliga talent

In what can only be described as massive news for Bayern Munich, the club has made its biggest transfer in quite some time.

Who could it be?

None other than award-winning Wolfsburg greenskeeper Peter Sauer. According to kicker, the “King of the Turf” (we are giving him this nickname — “King of the Turf!” King of the Turf!”) is making the move from Wolfsburg to Bayern Munich in hopes of giving the club the premier “grassman” in all of Germany.

Here are some of the details from kicker’s report:

According to kicker information, FC Bayern Munich has sealed its first “transfer” — greenkeeper Peter Sauer comes from VfL Wolfsburg. In Wolfsburg he will leave many sad people behind — and a perfect lawn. According to kicker information, Peter Sauer, who has been the main greenkeeper at VfL since 2015, will leave the club and take care of the green spaces at FC Bayern Munich from May 1st. The Lower Saxony club is losing an important and valued employee who has ensured that the club has won the DFL title “Pitch of the Year” several times in recent years.

Sauer was born in Heidelberg, but has traveled the world to enhance his grass prowess — including the United States (hopefully he did not study under the NFL or that fraud, “The Sodfather”).

BFW Grass Works Analysis

This is the single biggest move in the vast history of Bavarian Grass Works. The grass at the Allianz Arena has been criticized by players and coaches, mutilated by the NFL, and scoffed at by grass snobs globally.

This…will all end.

All hail the “King of the Turf!”